For someone who’s been posting regularly, either here or on Threads, it feels a little strange to have been all-but silent for the last two weeks. Here’s a quick overview of what’s been happening. I’m not writing this for sympathy, but rather in the hopes that this level of honesty will help others, even if just one individual, who finds themselves in a similar situation – either now, or in the not so distant future.

When you go through major surgery, it’s not uncommon to be pumped with opiates to dull the pain. I mean, they work. Perhaps too well.

As many of you know, I started running three weeks post-op against the advice of friends, family, and medical professionals. But physical activity is, at least in my case, multifaceted. It’s something I need to bolster my mental health – something I’ve struggled with for the last five years.

Before running, bouldering (rock climbing) was my crutch. Bad day? Go and figure something out on the wall. Great day? Go and enjoy the wall with friends. In its absence, I knew I needed a replacement. That became running.

I don’t for one minute regret my decision to start running. Even now as my ability to climb starts to slowly get back to a somewhat acceptable (at the very least an enjoyable) level, I’ve missed pushing my body to its physical limits – something I only really experience with running.

What I do regret, however, is pushing my body too far. At the start of December I was not, even by the loosest definition, a runner. Yet by mid-March, I’d run four half-marathons and beyond. More than that, I’d relied heavily on the use of opiates to mask the chronic pain and fatigue that naturally followed spinal surgery.

As many of you know, tolerance to opiates builds quickly. As my marathon training plan progressed, mileage increasing weekly, my body and mind craved higher and higher doses. I flooded my body with codeine phosphate, dihydrocodeine, morphine, and oxycodone amongst other things.

I can’t speak for the rest of the world, but in the UK, GPs are extremely hesitant to prescribe such substances – and for good reason. Consequently, I was abruptly withdrawn from the above concoction, leading to acute withdrawal syndrome. I experienced, amongst other things, extreme dysphoria. Truthfully, I wasn’t sure I would ever feel happiness again.

Thankfully, the mental symptoms have subsided considerably and I’m in a much better place. But having not recovered properly from surgery, instead increasing the strain on my body through running, I’m at a place now where any form of physical activity wipes me out for at least a couple of days. If anything, I’m not too far ahead of my immediate post-operative condition.

Marathon training has, for the time being, been put on hold. When I look back at what I was trying to achieve, I have to admit – it was stupid. 16 week marathon plans are not designed for people to go from couch to marathon. They’re designed for people with an existing solid aerobic base. From here on out, that’s the goal.

I have absolutely no doubt that with adequate time I will be at the starting (and hopefully finish) line of a major marathon. I still have grand ambitions where running is concerned. But there’s something about the internet, about writing this blog, that almost forces you to try and achieve something ridiculous. Perhaps it’s the only way to get views. I certainly hope not.

While I may often make impulsive decisions, such as spinal surgery to marathon as a non-runner in a matter of months, I feel proud that I’ve been able to make the decision to drop out of the marathon. I’m injured, I’m dealing with withdrawal, chronic pain, and chronic fatigue. Not an ideal combination, let’s be honest. Moreover, I’m immensely proud of my crazy achievements thus far.

For anyone reading this, it’s not a hate piece or an anti-drug rant. Used responsibly, opiates have the potential to enable a better quality of life. But, if you’re anything like myself, my best advice would be to steer clear. Sit with the pain. Listen to your body. Give it time to recover. There was absolutely no reason I couldn’t have recovered for three months before starting this adventure – and who knows where I’d be now. But, you live and learn.

To everyone who ran the Paris Marathon over the weekend and for those of you running London, whether virtually or at the capital on the 21st, congratulations and good luck. I will see you on the starting line as soon as I’m ready.

That leads to another thing – the support and compassion I’ve received from my small following. First, I’d just like to say I’m eternally grateful for your kind words. Second, I want to extend a hand or an ear to anybody going through a tough time. As I mentioned in a Threads post, I have an extremely loving and supportive network around me. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case for everyone. If you need to talk things through, rant, get my opinion on an issue – I’m all ears. Please, don’t suffer in silence.

For now, I have a huge request. I’d really like to continue writing for this blog. I have a couple of research articles in the pipeline, but I’ve been unable to complete these due to recent circumstances. But, as this ramble shows, I’m feeling capable of writing again and hope to contribute more in the coming weeks. So, if you’re after a new pair of shoes or running clothing, please follow the links in this blog to make your purchase. I don’t earn much from it, but it helps keep the blog alive.

Additionally, I’d really love for your feedback concerning what you’d like to read about on the blog. Some of you love the personal updates while others are here for the shoe reviews. If you could either email or comment on the Threads post this will undoubtedly be posted on with what you’d like to see in the future, this will help drive the blog in the right direction. Whether through a lack of technical know-how, or if this is just how it goes these days, it costs a considerable amount of money to keep the site going. I’ve considered adding a Patreon or donation to the site – but I’d rather avoid this. Again though, if this is something you’d like to contribute to – drop me a message.

As always, thanks for reading. Stay Gritty.